In recent days I've realized that what I had perceived as my most painful days, really were walks in the park in comparison to now. There's a pain that knows no measure, no bounds; it just consumes your whole being down to the very core of everything you are. It is this bleak, darkness that just rocks your world.
Up until recent years I was not a very family oriented person, partly because of myself and partly because of my family. Fortunately, all of that has slowly progressed and changed into something good. I come from a family of 7, I have one brother, two sisters and my our newest addition, my nephew Zav. Of course that's excluding my mom, dad and step dad. I am the eldest in my family, though that didn't mean much until now.
My little sister Erika is a 22, strong-willed, independent woman and now amazing mom. Our relationship has always been rocky but we have finally gotten to a very good place. Which is why writing this is incredibly difficult. These past few days have been the most difficult of my life because my little sister, the person I want nothing more than to protect, has postpartum psychosis.
To know that my sister is psychically here but not mentally here is so fucking painful! I miss walking into my house and hearing "whats up bitch?" or "Jay, let's go eat". I talk to her now and it is like the light was stripped out of her. All I get are vacant stairs, random outbursts and lots of pleads to bring her home. As I sit here writing this I'm choking on my emotions, struggling not to cry but I hope that getting it out there will help.
I miss my little sister. All I want is to bring her home, all I want is for her to be okay, for her to be herself again, to come back to her son.
I have never wanted to trade places with someone so much in my life.
