In recent days I've realized that what I had perceived as my most painful days, really were walks in the park in comparison to now. There's a pain that knows no measure, no bounds; it just consumes your whole being down to the very core of everything you are. It is this bleak, darkness that just rocks your world.
Up until recent years I was not a very family oriented person, partly because of myself and partly because of my family. Fortunately, all of that has slowly progressed and changed into something good. I come from a family of 7, I have one brother, two sisters and my our newest addition, my nephew Zav. Of course that's excluding my mom, dad and step dad. I am the eldest in my family, though that didn't mean much until now.
My little sister Erika is a 22, strong-willed, independent woman and now amazing mom. Our relationship has always been rocky but we have finally gotten to a very good place. Which is why writing this is incredibly difficult. These past few days have been the most difficult of my life because my little sister, the person I want nothing more than to protect, has postpartum psychosis.
To know that my sister is psychically here but not mentally here is so fucking painful! I miss walking into my house and hearing "whats up bitch?" or "Jay, let's go eat". I talk to her now and it is like the light was stripped out of her. All I get are vacant stairs, random outbursts and lots of pleads to bring her home. As I sit here writing this I'm choking on my emotions, struggling not to cry but I hope that getting it out there will help.
I miss my little sister. All I want is to bring her home, all I want is for her to be okay, for her to be herself again, to come back to her son.
I have never wanted to trade places with someone so much in my life.
Time & Time A G A I N
Hi,
My name is Jessica, I am a 27-year-old woman with more goals, aspirations than one person can handle. I am also woman who constantly doubts herself, a person who is so doubtful of herself that I use laziness as my perfect excuse to not go after my full life's potential. My thought is 'you can't be disappointed if you don't try'. Pretty sad right? Yeah, I think so too.
Recently someone described me as a maverick; something I have never in my life been called. The word maverick is pretty extraordinary, a word I didn't really understand until recently. I had only every really heard the word in a movie title, then it just didn't seem important enough to look up.
If you google the word maverick this is the definition.
Maverick: an unorthodox or independent-minded person.
I AM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS. I am free spirit, have zero fuck's to give about convention or propriety. In all honesty I really do believe myself a trailblazer. I have the potential to be even more than the things I dream of being. The capacity to be so much more than things I could think of is there, it's in me. It's in everyone.
Anyone who truly knows me believes more in me and my potential than I do. Which is incredibly insane if you really think about it. It's not insane that they see me in such a light, its insane that I, the person they are talking about, doesn't always see it or sees it but doesn't try harder. There are many things in my life I have always wanted to try or have attempted trying but gave up due to the fear of not being 'good enough' at it.
This blog is the perfect example of one of my many failed attempts. I went out of my way to have it customized, telling myself it was time to use it to commit but to this day it stays collecting dust. With the occasional post to make me feel like its relevant, like I'm actually trying; even though I know it can't even be deemed as a 'half ass' attempt.
For anyone who reads this, you're probably wondering why I am even here posting this. Today is just another day that ends with y, but as I sat in bed mindlessly bingeing Netflix, instead of studying. The feeling that I am just about nearly a complete failure kicked in. It could have been my depression, my anxiety or that I am a master at beating myself up. Whatever the reason, the feeling was so overwhelming that if my heart could literally break in two it would.
I am more than just someone who lays around doing nothing with my life. I am a: strong woman, an independent woman, I am a resilient woman, an intelligent woman, a wise woman, a talented woman, a woman who cares about others. These are all facts about myself, facts I and my loved ones know.
There's this friend I have, who inspires me so much, she makes me feel like if I wanted to take over the world I could. She believes in me so hard that it hurts me to disappoint her! She is one of my dearest friends and I don't even talk to her as much as I should but she is always there for me. One conversation with her and my brain, as well as my heart, explode with creativity. Ideas I don't typically talk about or even explore arise. Things I talk myself into thinking are silly and couldn't possibly do, I feel like I can do after talking to her. I still remember telling her about not doing photography because I 'knew' I wouldn't be good at it. To say she was mind blown would be an understatement. She is a photographer, self made at that and damn good at it too! My point is she lives her life in such a care free and selfless way that it inspires me, even scares me a little to think I could live mine the same way. Which is what I want!
There are very few people who make me think, make me want more. Not that it is anyone's job to make me want to live my life to it's full potential and then some. The few people who make me feel like I could fly are the reason I am writing this.
I want to live my life not in a 9-5, pay check to pay check, mediocre way but in a 'I can take over the world if I fucking please' way. I don't want to have any regrets in my life! Not continuing with this blog, I would regret, I already do regret it. I guess I am saying all this because I'm tired of living in fear, fear to fail, fear of not doing more in the world.
Time wasted is gone, there's no getting it back but I refuse to waste anymore time.
- Jess
P.S.
I am well aware that my writing and grammar need work. Haha.
My name is Jessica, I am a 27-year-old woman with more goals, aspirations than one person can handle. I am also woman who constantly doubts herself, a person who is so doubtful of herself that I use laziness as my perfect excuse to not go after my full life's potential. My thought is 'you can't be disappointed if you don't try'. Pretty sad right? Yeah, I think so too.
Recently someone described me as a maverick; something I have never in my life been called. The word maverick is pretty extraordinary, a word I didn't really understand until recently. I had only every really heard the word in a movie title, then it just didn't seem important enough to look up.
If you google the word maverick this is the definition.
Maverick: an unorthodox or independent-minded person.
I AM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS. I am free spirit, have zero fuck's to give about convention or propriety. In all honesty I really do believe myself a trailblazer. I have the potential to be even more than the things I dream of being. The capacity to be so much more than things I could think of is there, it's in me. It's in everyone.
Anyone who truly knows me believes more in me and my potential than I do. Which is incredibly insane if you really think about it. It's not insane that they see me in such a light, its insane that I, the person they are talking about, doesn't always see it or sees it but doesn't try harder. There are many things in my life I have always wanted to try or have attempted trying but gave up due to the fear of not being 'good enough' at it.
This blog is the perfect example of one of my many failed attempts. I went out of my way to have it customized, telling myself it was time to use it to commit but to this day it stays collecting dust. With the occasional post to make me feel like its relevant, like I'm actually trying; even though I know it can't even be deemed as a 'half ass' attempt.
For anyone who reads this, you're probably wondering why I am even here posting this. Today is just another day that ends with y, but as I sat in bed mindlessly bingeing Netflix, instead of studying. The feeling that I am just about nearly a complete failure kicked in. It could have been my depression, my anxiety or that I am a master at beating myself up. Whatever the reason, the feeling was so overwhelming that if my heart could literally break in two it would.
I am more than just someone who lays around doing nothing with my life. I am a: strong woman, an independent woman, I am a resilient woman, an intelligent woman, a wise woman, a talented woman, a woman who cares about others. These are all facts about myself, facts I and my loved ones know.
There's this friend I have, who inspires me so much, she makes me feel like if I wanted to take over the world I could. She believes in me so hard that it hurts me to disappoint her! She is one of my dearest friends and I don't even talk to her as much as I should but she is always there for me. One conversation with her and my brain, as well as my heart, explode with creativity. Ideas I don't typically talk about or even explore arise. Things I talk myself into thinking are silly and couldn't possibly do, I feel like I can do after talking to her. I still remember telling her about not doing photography because I 'knew' I wouldn't be good at it. To say she was mind blown would be an understatement. She is a photographer, self made at that and damn good at it too! My point is she lives her life in such a care free and selfless way that it inspires me, even scares me a little to think I could live mine the same way. Which is what I want!
There are very few people who make me think, make me want more. Not that it is anyone's job to make me want to live my life to it's full potential and then some. The few people who make me feel like I could fly are the reason I am writing this.
I want to live my life not in a 9-5, pay check to pay check, mediocre way but in a 'I can take over the world if I fucking please' way. I don't want to have any regrets in my life! Not continuing with this blog, I would regret, I already do regret it. I guess I am saying all this because I'm tired of living in fear, fear to fail, fear of not doing more in the world.
Time wasted is gone, there's no getting it back but I refuse to waste anymore time.
- Jess
P.S.
I am well aware that my writing and grammar need work. Haha.
Late night wine and thoughts of you..
I've stayed up since my birthday thinking of you. It has been over a year since the last time we spoke and the moment I see you...you are all I can think about. I'm loosing sleep over you again, thinking about you constantly, so much so that I dream of you.
I miss you.
She was beautiful from what I can recall; the alcohol had blurred my mind but not even the alcohol could dim our spark. A part of me is glad I didn't say hello, because our hellos are never just a simple greeting.
As I sit here telling my best friend about you, about how I miss you and how I wish I wasn't so gravitated towards you; I realize that after eight long years we're still here and I know you think of me as I think of you. Why else would you tell our mutual acquaintance to pass on a hello? It's okay to admit you miss me, I miss you too.
Maybe one day things will be or maybe they wont...but thank you for the memories..
I miss you.
She was beautiful from what I can recall; the alcohol had blurred my mind but not even the alcohol could dim our spark. A part of me is glad I didn't say hello, because our hellos are never just a simple greeting.
As I sit here telling my best friend about you, about how I miss you and how I wish I wasn't so gravitated towards you; I realize that after eight long years we're still here and I know you think of me as I think of you. Why else would you tell our mutual acquaintance to pass on a hello? It's okay to admit you miss me, I miss you too.
Maybe one day things will be or maybe they wont...but thank you for the memories..
Terrible car crashes totally change your life...
It is interesting how one moment you can be laughing with your best friend on your way to grab food, and the next your life is flashing before your eyes. Not only does it put things into perspective but it changes you to your core; the person you were no longer matters and what you thought you knew turns you really didn't. People who you never thought would be there for you are, new friends show you that they care and you realize that friends you thought were life long...aren't.
How do you maneuver your new way of thinking? How do you cut off friends you thought loved you? I don't know, I am taking everything one day at a time.
All I know is that it is hard and though my feelings are running high, I am trying my very best. Trying to be a better person, to be better for myself but most of all to just be.
Everything is very overwhelming, I struggle to control my emotions but love, love is definitely what is keeping me going. The love of my family, the love of my true friends.
Here's to a new chapter.
How do you maneuver your new way of thinking? How do you cut off friends you thought loved you? I don't know, I am taking everything one day at a time.
All I know is that it is hard and though my feelings are running high, I am trying my very best. Trying to be a better person, to be better for myself but most of all to just be.
Everything is very overwhelming, I struggle to control my emotions but love, love is definitely what is keeping me going. The love of my family, the love of my true friends.
Here's to a new chapter.
Thoughts...
Sometimes things get rough and complicated; they get so bad that your compass can't tell you which way is up. There's no sun, no moon, nothing with a shred of light, all you want to do is sleep because sleeping is easier than admitting that you are without a doubt royaly fucking up. We have so much life in us and some just waste that life away on the most minuscule things. Constantly harboring negative thoughts, always wanting more but never working for more. We become complacent!
Thoughts like "yeah, I'll keep my 9-5 for now and "yeah some day I'll start saving". At the end of the day you don't do any of that, you just sleep.... What a waste.
I'm tired of sleeping.
Thoughts like "yeah, I'll keep my 9-5 for now and "yeah some day I'll start saving". At the end of the day you don't do any of that, you just sleep.... What a waste.
I'm tired of sleeping.
Tucker, my little bubbster!
About 3 months ago this lovely fella came into mine and my families life. A friend of mine had found this little 6 month old pup in a box outside of Vets office :/ Fortunately they decided to take him in, get him his shots and give him a good, loving home. Unfortunately they were not able to keep him and were desperately trying to find him a new home. The last thing anyone wanted was for him to end up in the pound. Luckily my family and I were on the hunt for a new fury friend.After some discussion, mostly begging my mom, we took him in. Let me tell you that it has been such a journey in just these last 3 months but we love him to bits! Throughout the last few months I've discovered that he will chew anything from socks to the wall and he has a very big fear of sandals, as well as brooms. We learned that whoever had left him in the box had very much mistreated him. Any time we would even slightly raise our voice he would hide, he also hides at the sight of a broom and he also goes out of his way to chew up every sandal he sees.
Slowly but surely he started trusting us; we still have trouble training him since we have to tread very lightly but he has been a trooper throughout the process. He is still getting to know us and we are still getting to know him but he seems very happy in our home. He has even become your avid hiker, all that blame goes to me :P
Now if only I could get him to stop eating from the garbage, stop chewing everything and teach him new tricks....
Bloglovin' on a Sunday
HAPPY SUNDAY :D
This is going to be a very short post but bare with me, there is much more in store!
Since it is a new year and I'm all about new changes (yes this is the dreaded "new year, new me" broken record), I figured my little space here needed a very much overdue make over!! So I finally took the initiative and asked my favorite blogger, the lovely Kaelah Bee to help me with this change. I could not have asked for a better layout, she definitely made my space feel like my own.
Could not thank her enough!! If you're not already following her I suggest running over to her blog and checking it out!
Also I am now actively using my Bloglovin account so just clink the little link below to check it out.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Anywhoo!
Hope you all enjoy your much needed Sunday :D
Se you very soon!
This is going to be a very short post but bare with me, there is much more in store!
Since it is a new year and I'm all about new changes (yes this is the dreaded "new year, new me" broken record), I figured my little space here needed a very much overdue make over!! So I finally took the initiative and asked my favorite blogger, the lovely Kaelah Bee to help me with this change. I could not have asked for a better layout, she definitely made my space feel like my own.
Could not thank her enough!! If you're not already following her I suggest running over to her blog and checking it out!
Also I am now actively using my Bloglovin account so just clink the little link below to check it out.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Anywhoo!
Hope you all enjoy your much needed Sunday :D
Se you very soon!
12:52 am - The Intern and early morning thoughts.
Long time no see, I know.
It's been a...stressful couple months. Life isn't going the way I would like it to, but then again when is it ever. I have been unemployed now for about two months, unfortunately going on three but enough about that.
I'm sitting here with a wave of inspiration thanks to the movie, The Intern. For those of you who haven't heard of it, its stars Robert DiNero and Anna Hathaway (one of my favorite actresses). In my opinion it is a very good movie, really inspirational - which is why I am here now and updating my blog.
For months now I've realized that the light in my creative mind is going out and that my passionate soul doesn't vibrate as it once it did but instead threatens to completely give out. Not feeling quite the way I did before: not in life or in myself. The way I've been handling as of late...well they haven't been the best. Before I was slowly, at glacier pace even, molding myself into someone I wanted to be, someone who was happy but I have lost my way.
In not having a job I have realized that there are a lot of things I want, but I don't apply myself and its not for lack of brains. I've come to realize I just fear failure, but in not doing anything I am failing. A 9-5 job that pays the bills isn't what I want for my life. I want to live, I wan't to inspire but most of all I want to be happy with what I do in life. Consistency, unfortunately isn't something I am good with - not unless you count being a lazy fuck.
So as result I am making of list of things I want to start and stick to.
There in no particular order but here we go:
- I want to update this blog as much as possible and hopefully gain some success on it.
- Write a book. I actually already started that process, but of course I need to dedicate time to it.
- Get a job, one to pay the bills for now but not settle with it of course.
- Work on being a better me.
- I want to read more!
- WRITE MORE
- Perfect, or at least better my photography skills.
- Be more patient.
- T R A V E L.
- Fall in love with myself and my life.
- Loosing all this weight!
Wish me luck & I'll be seeing you soon with updates.
GSW!! GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS!
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Basketball season is here!!!! If it isn't already obvious I am a HUGE, GSW fan!
Before any of you ask, no I am not a part of the bandwagon.
WIN OR LOSE WARRIORS BABY!
Okay, but seriously though. I have been a fan of the Warriors since 2011, which is the year I got into basketball. While I love sports, I wasn't always really into watching them and boy was I missing out. For some reason I use to find hardcore, loud sport fans the most annoying people in the world but I get it now. I'm that type of fan, I yell at my screen, I'm super invested into my team and I do not miss any games. Whether its preseason or season doesn't matter, I am planted in my seat watching the game haha. I know it sounds sad to some, but those of you who are sports fan get it. -cough; Taco -cough; (Taco is one of my friends and also a DIE HARD Ducks fan)
While we are the 2014-2015 NBA Champs, it doesn't mean we get to slack off. This is a new season, a new slate so of course we are treating it as such. I am a little bummed that Steve Kerr (head coach) isn't coaching the team for now due to his back surgeries but I'm hoping that wont affect us much, if at all. Luke Walton, former Lakers (ew) player, is our current stand in coach. To be honest, he didn't look too confident in last nights game but we took the win either way. Truly hoping he doesn't mess up while he is coaching the team.
Of course I am BEYOND confident that we will make it to the finals, hell even take the 2015-2016 championship! I mean really look at our starters, they are beast! Our bench could be its own starting team!
Last night I tried to go to the gym and watch the game there, but I ended up having to leave. I had politely asked one of the workers from my gym if they could play the game on one of the TV's by the stair master (my favorite machine). To tell you she was rude and full of shit in her response would be putting it nicely but either way I couldn't miss the game, so I went home. A decision my mom hated, since she knows how I am during season, hahaha.
We had a solid game! Definitely started the season with the right moves and won! Our first win of the, no doubt, many to come. The boys played well, of course still getting into the rhythm of things but nonetheless still exceeding at what they do.
On small, side note; Nate Robinson is back! I love watching him play, he was beast the season DRose was out, I was bummed that the Bulls had dropped him but he is back. Of course he isn't playing for my team, but it's good to seem him again.
- Poor Bogut, took another hit to the face and had to get stitches I'm hoping he will be good to go for Friday.
- Threesus (Curry) hit 29 pts at the half & had 40pts total at the end of the game.
- Barnes scored 8pts. (- His contract extension has been halted :/ )
On small, side note; Nate Robinson is back! I love watching him play, he was beast the season DRose was out, I was bummed that the Bulls had dropped him but he is back. Of course he isn't playing for my team, but it's good to seem him again.
Season is finally here, the most wonderful time of the year. My life is complete once again!
- WAY UP DUB NATION!
Warriors Season Schedule
Avid reading & Dying Brain Cells
To say I can't remember the last time I picked up a book and actually read it all the way through is incredibly upsetting; specially for someone who was addicted to books. Devouring books was one my expertise, now I can barely get past the first chapter! Excuses to not read come to me by the millions: I'll finish it later, its too hot/cold in here, if I take a nap I'll be more awake to read etc.
Honestly, by luck I get past the first page! Not reading has been one of my biggest mistakes! I mean really, my Barnes and Noble Rewards card is of no use anymore. Of course I renew it every year, but I hardly ever go there and when I do, I just purchase books that I keep on the side collecting dust.
City of Heavenly Fire by Cassandra Clare, is probably the last book I fully read. Which not to boast, took me about two or three days. If you have read this book or even seen it, you know how thick it is and no it doesn't have big print letters. Also that was back when the book first came out, which was back at the end of May, 2014. Cassandra Clare in my opinion is an amazing author! Being a fan of teen fiction, of course I've read and loved her Mortal Instrument series, along with all the spin off series shes done. Definitely recommend her books if you're into fiction and the supernatural.
Its definitely time to end my too long hiatus.
With that being stated, the first thing to do is read all the books I've bought and have not read. I must do that before going out and a Barnes and Noble bender. If anyone really knows me, they know the possibilities of that are incredibly high!
My current list of 'to read' is:
 |
| Yes, I am a Ducks fan! |
- Rousey by Ronda Rousey (Which I already started and I'm liking so far)
- Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
- Making Sense of People by Samuel Barones
- Subliminally Exposed by Steven Dayan, MD
- Making The Cut by Jillian Michaels
While I am a huge fan of teen fiction as well as fiction, I'm also a fan of psychology books. Being an observer there's certain human behavior that I don't completely understand. Psychology books are incredibly helpful, with not just understanding people but also their actions. I like knowing what lies underneath decisions, actions.
I feel as if my brain cells are dying, with every day that passes now that I don't read. So getting back to reading is not a question.
---
Here we go...
Working a 9-5 (really 9-6) job, is not only a tedious but it also makes you realize that your day by day are always the same; Monday through Friday, show up to work, sit at your desk, get yelled at and try to get the account managers transfer. No day is truly ever different than the next, but it makes me that much more of an observer.
Being surrounded by people who can't get their heads out of their own asses can not only be incredibly irritating, but it can also be helpful, eye opening even. If I said there wasn't a lesson learned here every day I would truly be lying. Not only do I learn something new about human behavior every day but I also learn about myself, the person I'm not and the person I don't ever want to be.
Calling people for eight hours of the day is not ideal, specially when the people you call are incredibly rude. Let me tell you, if you think telemarketers have it easy you're wrong.
- People curse you out, calling you every name in the book.
- They're constantly throwing the damn 'Do not call list' in your face.
Let me tell you something about that infamous DNC list. While the list is meant for you not to be contacted by telemarketers or what have you, it doesn't stop your stupidity. Once you inquire online about anything really, the moment you put your number online, you give us the right to call you. So please people, do me a favor and shove your fucking DNC list far up where the sun don't shine.
There's honestly something terribly wrong with the USA. The fact that you are having a shitty day does not give you the right to be nasty to everyone else. I'm not just talking about the people on the other side of my headset but also the people at my job. Dealing with people over the phone can test your patience enough, but when you add the drama in the office to it, its a lot worse than you can fathom.
There are so many characters, -none of which are my cup of tea (though I prefer coffee honestly) but they're all exactly the same. Nearly everyone in this room, everyone in this company is a self absorbed asshole with no hopes or dreams. Working this 9-6 job, screwing people over, lying every day is exactly where they want to be and quite frankly its where they belong.
Now don't get me wrong, not everyone in this building is ugly on the inside. There are a handful of people here who don't walk around like soulless zombies. There are your very few people here, who not only want to get out of here but have actual goals in life, are passionate souls. It's actually the only refreshing part of it all, the part that I look forward to the most, Monday through Friday.
On a lighter note:
Found this cool little post on one of my favorite blogs. I am obsessed with the UK, so this list of insults was not only funny but I'll probably be using them all the time.
List of British insults
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