In recent days I've realized that what I had perceived as my most painful days, really were walks in the park in comparison to now. There's a pain that knows no measure, no bounds; it just consumes your whole being down to the very core of everything you are. It is this bleak, darkness that just rocks your world.
Up until recent years I was not a very family oriented person, partly because of myself and partly because of my family. Fortunately, all of that has slowly progressed and changed into something good. I come from a family of 7, I have one brother, two sisters and my our newest addition, my nephew Zav. Of course that's excluding my mom, dad and step dad. I am the eldest in my family, though that didn't mean much until now.
My little sister Erika is a 22, strong-willed, independent woman and now amazing mom. Our relationship has always been rocky but we have finally gotten to a very good place. Which is why writing this is incredibly difficult. These past few days have been the most difficult of my life because my little sister, the person I want nothing more than to protect, has postpartum psychosis.
To know that my sister is psychically here but not mentally here is so fucking painful! I miss walking into my house and hearing "whats up bitch?" or "Jay, let's go eat". I talk to her now and it is like the light was stripped out of her. All I get are vacant stairs, random outbursts and lots of pleads to bring her home. As I sit here writing this I'm choking on my emotions, struggling not to cry but I hope that getting it out there will help.
I miss my little sister. All I want is to bring her home, all I want is for her to be okay, for her to be herself again, to come back to her son.
I have never wanted to trade places with someone so much in my life.
Time & Time A G A I N
Hi,
My name is Jessica, I am a 27-year-old woman with more goals, aspirations than one person can handle. I am also woman who constantly doubts herself, a person who is so doubtful of herself that I use laziness as my perfect excuse to not go after my full life's potential. My thought is 'you can't be disappointed if you don't try'. Pretty sad right? Yeah, I think so too.
Recently someone described me as a maverick; something I have never in my life been called. The word maverick is pretty extraordinary, a word I didn't really understand until recently. I had only every really heard the word in a movie title, then it just didn't seem important enough to look up.
If you google the word maverick this is the definition.
Maverick: an unorthodox or independent-minded person.
I AM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS. I am free spirit, have zero fuck's to give about convention or propriety. In all honesty I really do believe myself a trailblazer. I have the potential to be even more than the things I dream of being. The capacity to be so much more than things I could think of is there, it's in me. It's in everyone.
Anyone who truly knows me believes more in me and my potential than I do. Which is incredibly insane if you really think about it. It's not insane that they see me in such a light, its insane that I, the person they are talking about, doesn't always see it or sees it but doesn't try harder. There are many things in my life I have always wanted to try or have attempted trying but gave up due to the fear of not being 'good enough' at it.
This blog is the perfect example of one of my many failed attempts. I went out of my way to have it customized, telling myself it was time to use it to commit but to this day it stays collecting dust. With the occasional post to make me feel like its relevant, like I'm actually trying; even though I know it can't even be deemed as a 'half ass' attempt.
For anyone who reads this, you're probably wondering why I am even here posting this. Today is just another day that ends with y, but as I sat in bed mindlessly bingeing Netflix, instead of studying. The feeling that I am just about nearly a complete failure kicked in. It could have been my depression, my anxiety or that I am a master at beating myself up. Whatever the reason, the feeling was so overwhelming that if my heart could literally break in two it would.
I am more than just someone who lays around doing nothing with my life. I am a: strong woman, an independent woman, I am a resilient woman, an intelligent woman, a wise woman, a talented woman, a woman who cares about others. These are all facts about myself, facts I and my loved ones know.
There's this friend I have, who inspires me so much, she makes me feel like if I wanted to take over the world I could. She believes in me so hard that it hurts me to disappoint her! She is one of my dearest friends and I don't even talk to her as much as I should but she is always there for me. One conversation with her and my brain, as well as my heart, explode with creativity. Ideas I don't typically talk about or even explore arise. Things I talk myself into thinking are silly and couldn't possibly do, I feel like I can do after talking to her. I still remember telling her about not doing photography because I 'knew' I wouldn't be good at it. To say she was mind blown would be an understatement. She is a photographer, self made at that and damn good at it too! My point is she lives her life in such a care free and selfless way that it inspires me, even scares me a little to think I could live mine the same way. Which is what I want!
There are very few people who make me think, make me want more. Not that it is anyone's job to make me want to live my life to it's full potential and then some. The few people who make me feel like I could fly are the reason I am writing this.
I want to live my life not in a 9-5, pay check to pay check, mediocre way but in a 'I can take over the world if I fucking please' way. I don't want to have any regrets in my life! Not continuing with this blog, I would regret, I already do regret it. I guess I am saying all this because I'm tired of living in fear, fear to fail, fear of not doing more in the world.
Time wasted is gone, there's no getting it back but I refuse to waste anymore time.
- Jess
P.S.
I am well aware that my writing and grammar need work. Haha.
My name is Jessica, I am a 27-year-old woman with more goals, aspirations than one person can handle. I am also woman who constantly doubts herself, a person who is so doubtful of herself that I use laziness as my perfect excuse to not go after my full life's potential. My thought is 'you can't be disappointed if you don't try'. Pretty sad right? Yeah, I think so too.
Recently someone described me as a maverick; something I have never in my life been called. The word maverick is pretty extraordinary, a word I didn't really understand until recently. I had only every really heard the word in a movie title, then it just didn't seem important enough to look up.
If you google the word maverick this is the definition.
Maverick: an unorthodox or independent-minded person.
I AM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS. I am free spirit, have zero fuck's to give about convention or propriety. In all honesty I really do believe myself a trailblazer. I have the potential to be even more than the things I dream of being. The capacity to be so much more than things I could think of is there, it's in me. It's in everyone.
Anyone who truly knows me believes more in me and my potential than I do. Which is incredibly insane if you really think about it. It's not insane that they see me in such a light, its insane that I, the person they are talking about, doesn't always see it or sees it but doesn't try harder. There are many things in my life I have always wanted to try or have attempted trying but gave up due to the fear of not being 'good enough' at it.
This blog is the perfect example of one of my many failed attempts. I went out of my way to have it customized, telling myself it was time to use it to commit but to this day it stays collecting dust. With the occasional post to make me feel like its relevant, like I'm actually trying; even though I know it can't even be deemed as a 'half ass' attempt.
For anyone who reads this, you're probably wondering why I am even here posting this. Today is just another day that ends with y, but as I sat in bed mindlessly bingeing Netflix, instead of studying. The feeling that I am just about nearly a complete failure kicked in. It could have been my depression, my anxiety or that I am a master at beating myself up. Whatever the reason, the feeling was so overwhelming that if my heart could literally break in two it would.
I am more than just someone who lays around doing nothing with my life. I am a: strong woman, an independent woman, I am a resilient woman, an intelligent woman, a wise woman, a talented woman, a woman who cares about others. These are all facts about myself, facts I and my loved ones know.
There's this friend I have, who inspires me so much, she makes me feel like if I wanted to take over the world I could. She believes in me so hard that it hurts me to disappoint her! She is one of my dearest friends and I don't even talk to her as much as I should but she is always there for me. One conversation with her and my brain, as well as my heart, explode with creativity. Ideas I don't typically talk about or even explore arise. Things I talk myself into thinking are silly and couldn't possibly do, I feel like I can do after talking to her. I still remember telling her about not doing photography because I 'knew' I wouldn't be good at it. To say she was mind blown would be an understatement. She is a photographer, self made at that and damn good at it too! My point is she lives her life in such a care free and selfless way that it inspires me, even scares me a little to think I could live mine the same way. Which is what I want!
There are very few people who make me think, make me want more. Not that it is anyone's job to make me want to live my life to it's full potential and then some. The few people who make me feel like I could fly are the reason I am writing this.
I want to live my life not in a 9-5, pay check to pay check, mediocre way but in a 'I can take over the world if I fucking please' way. I don't want to have any regrets in my life! Not continuing with this blog, I would regret, I already do regret it. I guess I am saying all this because I'm tired of living in fear, fear to fail, fear of not doing more in the world.
Time wasted is gone, there's no getting it back but I refuse to waste anymore time.
- Jess
P.S.
I am well aware that my writing and grammar need work. Haha.
Late night wine and thoughts of you..
I've stayed up since my birthday thinking of you. It has been over a year since the last time we spoke and the moment I see you...you are all I can think about. I'm loosing sleep over you again, thinking about you constantly, so much so that I dream of you.
I miss you.
She was beautiful from what I can recall; the alcohol had blurred my mind but not even the alcohol could dim our spark. A part of me is glad I didn't say hello, because our hellos are never just a simple greeting.
As I sit here telling my best friend about you, about how I miss you and how I wish I wasn't so gravitated towards you; I realize that after eight long years we're still here and I know you think of me as I think of you. Why else would you tell our mutual acquaintance to pass on a hello? It's okay to admit you miss me, I miss you too.
Maybe one day things will be or maybe they wont...but thank you for the memories..
I miss you.
She was beautiful from what I can recall; the alcohol had blurred my mind but not even the alcohol could dim our spark. A part of me is glad I didn't say hello, because our hellos are never just a simple greeting.
As I sit here telling my best friend about you, about how I miss you and how I wish I wasn't so gravitated towards you; I realize that after eight long years we're still here and I know you think of me as I think of you. Why else would you tell our mutual acquaintance to pass on a hello? It's okay to admit you miss me, I miss you too.
Maybe one day things will be or maybe they wont...but thank you for the memories..
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